I imagine one of the benefits of fame and fortune is the ability to hire an amazing publicist. Someone that is able to take your socially awkward standard and spin it into creative license. Beethoven is one of the most innovative and inspiring composers of all time, yet he could be so un-conventional and bad mannered that his friend the Archduke Rudolph finally had to decree that “the usual rules of court etiquette did not apply”. I don’t even know exactly what an Archduke is, so I definitely don`t have one in my corner changing laws to protect my street cred.
The fact that I just used street cred in a sentence is evidence that I`m cooler online. I could never get away with using that term in real life. For more proof, here are 5 reason it’s smarter to follow my Blog than be my friend.
- Fashion can be Photoshopped
While it’s true my wardrobe consists of an unusually large proportion of evening wear, it’s less a testimonial to a glamourous lifestyle and more the fact that I find shopping complex. Not only are you obligated to be up to date on fashion trends, but also to know what styles are flattering to your particular physique and then you’re expected to match them to each other. All these steps leave a lot of room for distraction. Once, somewhere in the process of getting ready, I was side tracked and when I ended up at work I discovered that I had only put mascara on one eye. My first thought was to fashion an eye patch, but the manager kindly suggested that might be better suited at a seafood restaurant rather than a steak house. Besides, there were no brightly coloured talking birds available and how else would you accessorize an eye patch without a parrot? These are the kind of wardrobe solutions I problem solve with.
Luckily, evening wear is one stop shopping. Classy, elegant and timeless. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that I have nowhere to wear them or the strange looks the kids give me when they come home to me vacuuming in a black satin trumpet gown with an embellished bodice.
2. Silence is Golden
I am a voracious reader and therefore blessed with a hearty vocabulary. Sadly, the majority of my time is spent with my children or fictional characters that are not able to explain to me the phonetics of certain words. Using these words in public can lead to confusion, like when coworkers thought I had discovered a new shoe designer when I pronounced Louboutins as loo-BOO-tins (which exudes more of a country and western feel than haute couture). More concernedly was the time during a Thanksgiving dinner party for 20 where I proceeded to give the recipe for my roasted pumpkin seeds. The secret ingredient is cumin, a spice which, if spelled how it was pronounced, would be coo-min. If you say that word quickly, as it`s spelled, pronounced cum-in, as in “there’s cumin in it”, you’ll understand why dinner guests where spitting out pumpkin seeds left, right and center.
3. Editing is Important
Even if I manage to pronunciate correctly, sometimes the words themselves get me into trouble. Our restaurant offers an appetizer dish with a mix of classic potato skins and cheese fritters (a type of stuffed pastry ball that`s rolled in parmesan). We`re asked to help patrons understand the quantities of their selections but I feel the message was lost when I informed a customer that they were ordering four balls and four skins.
(Look people, I don`t control the portions I just explain them.)
Even without help I land myself in hot water. Upon seeing a friend that had recently decided on a new look, I commented, `Wow, you have a lot less hair than last time I saw you`
I was talking about the beard that he had shaved off.
He was self-consciously reaching for his bald spot.
As both of our cheeks start to colour, I try to back track, “No, I meant your face, not your hair, you have lots of hair. Well… not lots of hair, but not necessarily less hair than last time I saw you. Not that I noticed that you were balding last time I saw you….` These are the times that I need someone with a vaudeville hook to pull me offstage and out of situations that I obviously have no idea how to escape from.
4. Timing is everything
Working nights has been wonderful for my kids. They have never not known the luxury of having a parent at their beck and call. It even manages to be slightly exotic for my husband and I, who get to role play as strangers meeting in the night. It is not however, very accommodating of friendships. I am available to talk as my girlfriends are heading into their morning sales meetings and they are looking to unwind as I get ready for the dinner rush. Between parenting and waitressing, I find my free time is usually between midnight and 2 am; perfect for bonding with your lap top, less suitable for cultivating relationships with a world of 9 to 5`ers. Luckily, blogging allows me to set up my tea party in the wee hours of the morning and guests are welcome to show up at their convenience without anything getting stale. No one’s left out and freshness guaranteed
5. Truth is stranger than Fiction
I don`t know why my life manages to unfold in such peculiar ways but it does and while you might start the adventure as a side kick, it becomes less entertaining when you`re being called an accomplice. Even the mildest stories can escalate quickly. My husband and I decided to sneak out one night last winter to skinny dip in our hot tub. Although we giggled at our risqué behaviour, the spa is situated right outside the sliding door and with the back lights off (even though we live in a subdivision) the odds of getting caught were slim. It was snowing, so we left the towels just inside the door to keep dry until we were ready to streak back into the house. As we cuddled and watched great big snowflakes melt in mid air, we heard a knock on the glass. We worried that one of the kids had woke up but were relieved to see the dog staring plaintively out the window. There was no way we were risking exposure just to let a sulking canine out, so we settled back and prepared to ignore him. I`m not sure if you have met my dog in a previous post, but we should have known better than to turn our backs. After more shuffling and scratching, my husband prepared to sternly glare at him with the type of alpha dog attitude that men pride themselves on. Our dog stared back and with one jump, managed to use his paw to flip the door latch. We were locked out, naked, with no way back into the house without running all the way around the yard, to the well-lit street and up the porch to the front door. In a very competitive game of rock, paper, scissors, I convinced my husband that there was in fact such a thing as a grenade that takes all. These are the risks you take as my friend but as Bear Grylls says, “risk nothing and gain nothing” (even frost bitten genitals).
Please know that whether we talk online, or we talk in person, I appreciate you all. If I make you smile in commiseration because you`ve been there or relief because you haven`t, I`m just happy to brighten your day. The table is set and the tea is ready whether you take a seat or take it to go. Either way
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”. ~ Jim Gaffigan